Universal Truths

1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2. At the end of every wild college-party there is always a girl crying.
3. Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
4. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back yard, unless you live in an apartment, then it is definitely against the law.
6. You never know where to look when eating a banana.
7. Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat (note: wet dog smell is an accurate description of a wet dog, but there is no such thing as wet cat smell)
8. Poking a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
9. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
10. Rummaging in overgrown grass will always turn up a bouncy ball.
11. You always feel a bit scared when petting horses, maybe its their huge bowling ball eye.
12. It is impossible to look tough while drinking out of a straw
13. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
14. The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mom or dad
15. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
16. Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
17. Every man, has, at some stage, while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
18. No matter how many times you shake it, the last drop will always be in your pants
19. Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
20. Its impossible to look cool while picking up a Frisbee or while tossing back an item after an errant throw to the people playing "catch".
21. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
22. Old ladies can eat more than you think.
23. You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
24. There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something. Or when you're at someone else's house and the toilet water starts to come up before going down
25. No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
26. Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
27. The most painful household incident is stubbing your toe on the edge of the bed/coffee table/hope chest etc.
28. People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
29. You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
30. Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
31. Everyone has an aunt who is a "cheek pincher"
32. Bricks are horrible to carry.
33. In every order of french fries there is a fry that looks like it had been sitting on the surface of the sun.

Who's Been On Notice This Week?

First off, Cyclones: Stop trying to fool us, just call it a hurricane. The average American doesn't know the difference and those in the Cincinnati area think you're talking about ECHL Hockey. Overheard last weekend in Cincinnati "I have no idea where this Myanmar team came from but the Cyclones sure crushed 'em!". (All joking aside, if you'd like to support the relief efforts in Myanmar UNICEF and World Vision are both accepting donations) Seriously, "Tropical Cyclone Nargis" doesn't sound nearly as devastating as "Hurricane Nargis".

Is anyone else appalled by this talk about the possibility of the first FeMinority President? (that's right, I combined Female and Minority into one word, recognize the skills) Am I the only one that doesn't think that race or gender should matter in a presidential election? For some reason people think being a minority or a woman gives you super-leadership and presidential-y powers... I think not. I'd buy it if this was an athletic event or cooking/parenting competition then I would be all for this perceived advantage.

Did anyone outside of Ohio hear about the newest $.23 pizza apology/marketing ploy from Papa Johns? Basically someone had a great idea to make up No. 23 T-shirts with the word "Crybaby" and the Papa John's logo, which Washington Wizards fans flaunted during Friday's playoff game in Washington DC in reference to Lebron James complaining about hard fouls during the last playoff series.

So what did Papa Johns do? They gave a public apology and offered $.23 pizzas for customers in the Cleveland, Toledo & Columbus areas. Nice, just goes to show that if you whine and cry enough you'll get your way (and $.23 large, single topping, pizzas from Papa Johns).

Oh, and what the hell is PETA doing? I understand being all weepy over the whipping of race horses, but calling for the suspension of Gabriel Saez (the jockey of Eight Belles, who was euthanized shortly after breaking both ankles after finishing second in the Kentucky Derby) is just really stupid. While I agree that this tragedy should help pave the way for safer surfaces, PETA just needs to settle down and take a breath, as long as it does not abuse an animal or insect in the process.

Mother's Day is right around the corner... do we really need to make it an official holiday? I thought every day was Mother's Day... but maybe that's just me.

Bomb-Diggity: Like "Your Mom" jokes were to 2007 bomb-diggity is the "retro-bring-back-phrase" of 2008. Pass it on, because we're bringing it back.

Conforming Non-Conformist: Yeah, I get it, you're a rebel just like all your friends. Its a good thing you aren't one of those mindless sheep wearing what everyone else wears just like the rest of your hippie-crew. In reality you just want to shock people with your statements and "original" thoughts... Here's a clue be different, be eclectic, just because you don't agree with "pop-culture" doesn't make you any less or a conformist (or hypocrite) than the other 6 billion sheep on the planet. Oh and cut that emo-bang, you look like a tool. Oh, and while you're at it, cut the self-loathing crap, if you're reading this, you have a computer, or you have access to a computer so you live better than most of the world. Your life is great. Stop thinking about your own piddly little issues, step back and take a look around this world. Don't start getting all upset about how you live so good and don't do enough for others either... that's still your self-centered self-loathing sneaking in on the other side. If you're always bogged down in the negative when can anything good happen? But go ahead call me a conformist who doesn't see your pain. Tell me I don't understand or that I'm out of touch, just keep focusing on your self-loathing so you don't really have to deal with the real issues that make your life suck. Maybe you're really just afraid of what it would take to change yourself instead of blaming everyone else for your poor whiny woe-is-me existence.

Peace.

Gun-Shy Control

Mountains On The Ocean Floor
Words and music by Andrew Peterson
(I Samuel 16:7, Revelation 2:17, Romans 7:15-25, Phillipians 1:6)

My uncle’s in the county jail

His time is on his hands

He knows he chose a barren cell

Over a fair and fertile land



He took another hit

He hit another high

He flew until he fell

Just like he has a thousand times

Nothing ever seems to change

But miles away beneath the waves



There are mountains

Mountains on the ocean floor

They’re rising from the deep

But no one ever sees

No one ever sees



I can’t believe I landed there

I swear I swore it off

I know that I can’t stand it here

Still I came and took a fall



I wish that I could shake it

I wish that I was free

I wish that I was half the man

I wish that I could be



There are mountains

Mountains on the ocean floor

They’re moving up so slow

No one ever knows

No one ever knows

Nothing ever seems to change

But miles away beneath the waves

Down below the dirt

Hotter than a flame

In the belly of the earth

He has given you a Name


There are mountains

Mountains on the ocean floor

They’re rising from the deep

Where no one ever sees

There are mountains

They’re hidden there beneath the waves

They’re moving up so slow

No one ever knows



There’s a molten heart of stone

That is waiting to explode

Only God can see it grow

Baseball Ettiquite

Since the Baseball season is in full swing (pun intended) my good friend Jered (check out his blog jeredryan.blogspot.com) and I decided to discuss fan ettiquite online today...

J: What's proper foul ball etiquette? Are you obligated to give one to a kid? Is it ok to mug for the camera if you catch one on about six bounces? Is it cool for a 30 year old to bring a glove? We'll discuss today.

Me: I don't think you are obligated to give it to a kid unless one is in your group one of your nieces for instance and only if she brought her mitt

J: but what if you took the kid out to get it?

Me: but I think you have to stick to a one ball limit...once you acquire a second it needs to be given up... or used in various graphic gestures towards the other team

Are you in the family section?

J: no

Me: is it a boy under 13 or a girl under 15?

J: yes

Me: I think once it becomes apparent that you have to move more than a row forward or backward or over 7 or more seats laterally you must take a brief check of the competition, no man over 18 should pursue a ball further than that distance if kids of said gender/age are also in pursuit unless you're in the bleachers and its totally empty then its like a war zone

Is that issue closed? on to number 2?

J: On to 2 . . .

Me: *Is it ok to mug for the camera if you catch one on about six bounces?*
The only reason to mug for the camera is if you catch the ball bare-handed, if you acquire the ball without spilling the beer in your dominant hand or no more than half of said beer in the non-dominant hand. Or if the ball hits another member of your group, then you are obligated to show more excitement for catching the ball than you show concern for your buddy's well-being

J: well said

Me: #3?

J: yes

me: *Is it cool for a 30 year old to bring a glove*

I'm torn on this one... i say yes

but I think the cut-off point is once you bring kids it is no longer acceptable to don the mitt

Also, you shouldn't bring a mitt if you're bringing your girl friend/significant other

J: really? A glove makes you seem kinda gay

Me: Baseball is a kids game, its nostalgic, a glove, hat & jersey add to that...now if you're with a chick its different no mitt

I think if you "look" like you can play then you can bring a mitt or if you look like you have played in the last year.

The whole point of bringing the mitt is just in case all the reserve players go down with some injury, the manager can pull you out of the crowd... after all, he's already seen your mad skills catching that ball off your buddy's head and imagine if you're at a Reds game and Dusty Baker picks you out of the crowd and says he needs you at short stop... how embarrassed would you be telling him "no" because you left your mitt at home

J: good point. . . that makes sense

Two Lies

1. The Republican Party is Jesus' Party, GOP has the endorsement of GOD.

2. The Democrats are all about the common man and honestly care about the plight of the poor for reasons other than political gain.

WHEN FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIANS ATTACK: Heath Ledger

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfC07XvNgWM
Now this is just my opinion as I see the situation:

The same homosexual sex is a sin

Hating or judging others is a sin

Anyone who sins is falling short of God's standard and therefore all sin is equal. There is no way to argue degrees of sin since no sin gets anyone "closer" to God's standard.

All sin is the same in God's eyes

The job of a Christian or a Church is to point to God, whether that be by words, actions vocation etc.

My job is to love others and show them Christ.

I am not the one who gets to pass judgement nor should I assume I know what said judgement would be. The "original sin" was disobeying God and presuming to know better/more than God... we all know that never ends well.

Jesus/God loves everyone no matter what their sin



God loves Heath Ledger


God loves heterosexual people as much as He loves homosexuals... God loves people, period.


That also means God loves those who spew hate in His name.

Michael Jackson Captain Eo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kBeD1L_nd4

This may make me really lame, but going to Disney Land and seeing Captain EO as a kid was a dream come true and one of my favorite memories. Too bad the guy is a certified wacko now...

But at least I can look back on these memories fondly (no pun intended).